Chapter 4 - Look Like A Band

• Go to Taco Bell and order twelve items for under ten dollars in less than three minutes. Never use the drive-thru. You need to stretch your legs anyway.
• Go to the Salvation Army on half-off Wednesday and line up single file at the register with as many "new" clothes as you can fit in your arms and over your shoulders. Surprise the cashier by saying "No, actually, this will all together."
• When stopping at a gas station, ensure that everyone exits the van in a dramatic fashion, making certain to climb over the bags that have accumulated in the middle seats, spilling empty water bottles and potato chip bags onto the pavement. There's a trash can nearby, but you should just throw the trash back INTO the van until things really start to pile up or someone says something about it. Send as many people inside as possible.
• Once inside, occupy all sectors of the convenience store. Have people patrol the chip isle, the candy isle, and along the drink cooler in addition to forming a line outside the restroom. Communicate audibly across the store, sharing information such as the capacity of the bathroom (is it a two-fer' or just a one-per?). Comment to one another on the selection of chips. Make note of which sodas (or pops) are available. The biggest cause for soft drink variance is your latitude, so say something like "They ain't got no Meller Yellers this far north!" When making your purchases, comment on how you picked your chips not only for their flavor, but the fullness of their bag. Make sure someone is singing brief, indistinguishable melodies for all other customers to hear. If you're buying cigarettes, be sure to comment on how much cheaper they are in North Carolina.
• Make sure the apparent degree of daily preparation within your posse is widely varied. Dress should range from t-shirts and pajama pants to jackets and ties. Some should be showered, and some, obviously not. Shaving should only take place pre-tour. Try and have at least two beards, and at least two long haired gentlemen at any given time. Don't forget hats! Funky sun shades are important too.
• Surprise and amaze people by playing board games in unlikely places. A game of Scrabble or Chess in a seedy bar can strongly affect the atmosphere for the better. This also applies for brushing your teeth in a bar. People will be impressed by your transformation from grimy to shiny and look for ways to brighten up their situation as well.
• You'll probably never find yourselves at a sit-down restaurant, but if you do, it'll be with a friend band. Everyone will order water and a sandwich anyway, so instruction here isn't too necessary. A good server will always act interested so this is the perfect opportunity to tell them about the show you're playing that night. They'll be working too late to go, of course.
• If you get in trouble with the law, be as nice as you can to the police officers, and they'll hopefully be just as kind. They're keen on spotting bands and usually pretty interested in striking up a conversation, but unfortunately they can't accept a CD. That would be a bribe.
• Inside jokes, funny voices, and rehearsed group gestures that border on public displays of uncomfortable male affection go a long way.
• It's generally considered a no-no to wear your own band's T-shirt but I say why not? It's not like you've got any other clean clothes anyway.